Boogie Nights

A sweary hyperactive maritime professional, really very keen on laughing a lot, doing their best to avoid all the trappings of societies' expectations by acting on impulse to any adventurous idea that wafts by. Let's go!

bienvenu, hola, ciao!

05 July 2016

Kinsale? Yes we can!


The Triangle Race 2016 part 1 of 3. 

The various characters on the boat have been notably quiet of late.
Barbie particularly so. Barely a word from her. This is probably because she’s hungry and they’re all afraid.

We’re all going on a fekkin' diet


Losing weight seems to be the preoccupation of many people, for reasons peculiar only to themselves. Boogie Nights has been on a diet that would put an army of "fat feeders" out of a job. 

Between Jaynes obsession with only allowing small things onboard and one-for-one, we also had the issue of her only allowing things on board if they were to be used in a two week window.


the systematic emptying of cupboards and only refilling with essentials. 

She started by emptying the saloon cupboards.
Charts for East Coast? Get out
Pilot books for East Coast and the Med? You can get out as well you fat bloated bound pieces of paper.
DVDs, board game, book on tying knots? Way too heavy. Out!
Then the galley. Would all the glasses please step forward? Right, now get out.
Ok, not you small wine glass. Or your buddy there the champagne flute… you can stay.
But the rest of you? Fek off out of here. This is no place for heavy weight glassware.

Now then what’s going on in the throne room? PINK HAIRSPRAY? What the b-jeysus are you doing still in that cupboard? Get out!
Three hair brushes? Has anyone failed to notice Jayne had her long tresses chopped for the Princess Foundation over a year ago? She ain’t gonna be needing you again for a while. Get in the box. Ok, not you, little compact grooming device. She’s not a complete scruff bag.

Box after box of surplus STUFF left Boogie Nights, and it added up.
Gradually the waterline crept higher and the Ducato Maxi (known as the shed) hunkered down on its suspension, the fuel economy dropping from a marvellous 55mpg to a less marvellous 45mpg and stopping requires forward planning, similar to that of a fully laden cargo ship.
Nearly 200kilos were shed from the belly of Boogie Nights. All the empty cupboards on the starboard side were filled with heavy stuff from cupboards on the port side in an attempt to re-ballast a perpetually annoying list to port. 

If the boat had a voice, he might complain, like Marvin the android with the pain in all the diodes down his left side [*3]

A few luxuries remained though, the cocktail shaker along with decent sized cabinet of liquid refreshments. Medicinal.
A baking tin and basics for making a cake. Medicinal.
A second edition of Mill on the floss as well as an 1889 edition of the Pears Cyclopedia, because you never know when you’re going to need the exchange rate of the Rupee or Italian Lira as of the late 19th century when you’re racing offshore in the Irish sea.
And of course, a collective sigh of relief, the mascots all remained. Wonky knitted Donkey, Scary feet Sulley, Bendy Wendy the barometer legs, Talking Yoda, Silly sausage, Mr Oizo, wiggly Lil’ and me, the new girl, Grace O’Mally, Irelands fiercest, most notorious Pirate. EVER [*2] I'll be telling this story because I'm not cable tied to the front like a certain other character round here. Terribly quiet isn't she... 



Final checks: have we got enough fuel for a full day motoring? Yes, there’s 50 litres in the 140 litre tank, plus the emergency jerry, that should be plenty. No point carrying an extra 90kilos of fuel for no reason ay? [*1]

Jayne relabelled the crew bins (little stash bins for small personal things) under Bond Pseudonyms. Her chosen Bond Girl name was “Inna Flapp” Professor of perpetual faffing. (aye that's about right)

The Triangle Race fleet assembled gradually over the space of a week.
Boogie Nights was delivered in glorious sunshine to Torquay with the help of a fellow skipper who’s identity must remain anonymous, but we will call him Dr GingerFinch for the sake of keeping a Bond theme.
Ice creams were eaten, new sacrificial sunglasses worn and new friendships forged as fellow crews started to mingle.
GingerFinch made a hasty retreat back to his Bond lair. Sue arrived with a truck load of food and supplies and chose her Bond Girl name as “Clara Onnatopp

Torquay - Fleet assembled. 
It's the seaside, it's the law. 

Going Swimmingly

The speed log on Boogie Nights hasn’t worked for some time and a strand of weed was blocking it, so a quick swim with a scrubber was needed to get rid of it.

Jayne has a particular phobia of putting her head underwater so bravo for her managing that. Needs must.

 Good lass. Not a bad scrubber. 

Meteorologica Shminky Pinky Bang Bang

The weather forecasts started flooding in and there was a collective rustle amongst the fleet.
Perhaps more a bristle than a rustle.
Good friends on a Maxi 1100, Amylou moored alongside Boogie Nights uttered the words “boat breaking conditions”

Sue busied herself going through passage plans again. Jayne was doing a thorough shackle and fittings check, adjusting, tightening and double checking.
A westerly wind of 25-30 knots was predicted and a rough to very rough sea state. 
This isn’t really much of a problem, except this is the Irish Sea we are crossing and we wanted to go West.
The thing with yachts is that, however marvellous they are at harnessing the power of nature, they can’t actually sail directly into the wind and this meant we would have to “beat” upwind, also known in Boogie Nights terms as :doing the the ziggy zaggy or a bit of a jiggy jaggy.
"Either way, whether we jagged or zagged, I tried to reassure Jayne it'll be grand. It always is. More or less. Except when it isn't."


This first leg would certainly separate the willows from the bough, the wheat from the chaff, the bugle from the caller, ladies from the men, the, no wait... can we all just arrive safely please?

Leg 1

Race start was typically entertaining in the sense that Sue and Jayne have only ever started one race together before. So while they discussed which line to pull, the race got underway:
"ease the main sheet, no the main sheet, no the main sheet, no that's the second halyard, no not the vang, no that's the third reef, the main sheet, the blue one, that one..."
"right, ok"
"can we gybe? are we ready to gybe? We need to gybe"
"yes, I'll try..."
"can we gybe a bit faster, no faster than that, ok, that was a bit faster than I meant... but that's ok the boom brake was on"
"shall we get the jib out?"
"yeah suppose we should really since the race started a minute ago..."

But never mind, there’s 250 miles to go yet to Kinsale.


Sue adjust a jammed reef line so we can fully hoist the main sail after starting the race with one reef in. 

A familiar sight for the remainder of the triangle race as Sue comes up from making her hourly plot on the chart. It's a ritual. It's her thing. 


Jayne -  never knowingly fashionable or stylish. Ever. 


The first day and night flew by and there was still the odd boat visible on the AIS radar screen but as the second day wore on, those signals started to fade and the weather switched on.
And it really switched on. It was like old times. 
Determined to keep their stomachs full of excellent food pre-prepared by Sue and avoid any downtime with mal-de-mer they dropped Kwells like ravers on acid, minus the UV facepaint or excess sweating.



The beats were ON though, sometimes 80’s disco, sometimes hardcore dance music, sometimes classical, rock music, reggae or world music, but always ON.
The rusty, orange stained pods pumped music out 24/7 and the waves built.
Both women took turns at helm, 2 on, 2 off. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
The near full moon was beautiful and equally revealing of the savage Irish Sea. It illuminated the breaking tops of waves in an eerie bluish colour.
In the wake, sparkled phosphorescing particles or critters, which was both mesmerising and hypnotic to watch.
The wind turbine hummed, howled and whistled according to the wind intensity but never stopped spinning.
Dolphins had come to visit during daylight hours, torpedoing out of the building seas towards us, swimming around the boat before heading  off again. 

2 on 2 off

Sue slept soundly below like a sausage roll in her duvet after another night time watch changeover.
Jayne sat at the helm, eyes still adjusting to the night-scape. Still clipped on with two tethers after the changeover-shuffle, she tweaked the autopilot located by her left knee and settled down into the “cosy” port aft corner, leaning against a fender tied to the back rail.
Cosy being relative when you are in the firing line of most waves.
Wearing the full monty Gill Ocean jacket, the collar is so high that the only thing visible when the hood is drawn is a tiny slit to see through. Rather like looking out of a letterbox.

foul weather gear : sponsored by Royal Mail


Boogie Nights launched off of another wave. Like a rapid descent in a lift, the stomach takes a moment to catch up. We landed with a shudder in the trough then started climbing another foamy peak. A cross wave hit us, SLAM - spray, the boat lurched off sideways as we headed swiftly down the other side of the peak, another wave threatens but passes by, breaking just behind us with a hiss.
In the troughs, the only things visible are the slab sides of water around us, in the brief moments as we crest the peaks there’s a feeling of observing the world from a height, it’s a massive aggressive watery desert as far as the eye can see in every direction. The moonlight illuminates a horizon that curves away and is quickly blotted from view by the next wall of water.

And then, it is inevitable.


Looking across in an attempt to read the next series of waves, a long horizontal foamy tube of blue resting on a black wall of water has your name on it.

In the time it took Jayne to utter “oh fu..” the wall of water, easily the height of the boom,  slammed into the side of the boat and broke across the cockpit. It was like being hit by a baby elephant. Lifted up from her corner by the volume of water whooshing across, Jayne’s tether pulled taught for a moment as she buried her head into her elbow trying to avoid too much water getting into the letterbox opening. Still holding the wheel she landed with a bounce, shaking the water from her hood and wiping her eyes in an attempt to focus again.

"Patti Smith – Because the Night blared out of the speakers. This was power ballad weather alright."
Jayne sang along, muffled inside her massive collar "Because the night belongs to nutters, because the night belongs to us..." 

the sea, painted by Hokusai

We were 15 minutes into a watch of 120. This was going to be gnarly.  

And the beat goes on. As always at some point, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy finds its way through the random playlist whenever challenging weather presents itself. It's like being in the book "Good Omens" where the Demon, no matter the tape cassette he puts in the stereo, always ends up with Queen and Bohemian Rhapsody playing. 

At the next watch changeover and two episodes into Hitchhikers, Sue emerged blinking from the companionway, suited and booted ready to sit in the firing line, cheerily she wished Jayne a good morning (it was a little past 3am). Her ability to be cheerful is something that should be bottled.
Jayne explained the previous watch excitement and suggested she sleep in the cockpit as the weather was showing no signs of improvement  and it would be much easier and quicker to react or help out if that final reef was needed.

As both women discussed their fatigue induced hallucinations, Sue had spotted a stranger in the heads and Jayne heard a male voice several times make various vocal noises that sounded like a "hmmm" or "aaahh" which she attributed to the boat talking to her [*3], just then, a metallic clatter was heard,  both women looked around in vain to see what it was. Jayne looked up at the rig and Sue looked down below.

BANG - massive wave. The boat shuddered.
A second clatter was heard, slightly less metallic and again no sign of what it was.

As the night passed into day and the two skippers continued their shifts, Jayne stood in the cockpit to look over the deck, scanning the fittings to see if anything had gone awry in the night. The angry waves hitting the boat from all directions were summarily dismissed by Boogie Nights as it powered on. Relatively little water found it’s way into the bilge, just a few basins full.
Except. Ah. Wait.

The lashed boat hook? Gone. Metallic clatter? Yes. Check.
The contoured deck panel that covers the lines from mast? Starboard side, Gone. Slightly less metallic clatter? Yes. Check.
Fek a doodle dandy!
That diet is getting ridiculous now. That was weight we didn’t mind staying ON the boat.
The non slip mat on the deck was also peeling up on every leading edge. 

spot the missing panel. That'll be £650 to replace then. Shit. 

With the big weather came small discussions and a compromise about routing.

route A or route B? A was faster but required slightly more navigational skill, route B, easier to navigate but would result in a tougher point of sail later by putting too much north into the route.
It was debatable over which route would be the smoother passage. 


Jayne had opted for the popular route north of the Scillies and south of the traffic separation zone (A).
It’s not buoyed but it’s plenty wide enough gap to sail through.
Sue wasn’t sure she was happy in the night sailing through it in the weather conditions.
With no other boats around us on the AIS to use as a judgement tool, and wanting to remain a strong team together, they re-routed to the east side of the traffic separation zone, up to a buoyed channel heading north (B). Knowing this would take them to a difficult place to sail on to Kinsale from with the strong westerly winds, it was decided to prioritise team work before speed.
The route would add another day to the journey. This was no longer a race but a matter of team survival and developing trust together.

time to start drying stuff, Sue put the lid to the wine cave outside to dry... which revealed a nice little stash of booze on the starboard side.

Surplus battery power thanks to loads of wind? Switch the fridge on and get that Prosecco chilled!

As Tuesday came and went and Wednesday dawned, the two were anxious not to miss the cut off arrival time on Thursday Lunch time.
But the good food kept coming, the calmer conditions meant that the boat tidying could commence and the pair managed to catch up on some sleep.

knackered sailor

The first signal Jayne found on her phone was one from fellow competitor sharing a screen shot of the AIS signal of Boogie Nights pointing towards Kinsale, followed by the same from Jaynes Ma.
The extra day delay meant the crews who had already made it to Ireland were worried about those still not accounted for.

While those awaiting our arrival on Wednesday evening could see this:

AIS signal as we approached Ireland

We were looking at this:

beautiful evening approaches to Kinsale


Only 20 boats out of 29 made it to Ireland. Whilst Boogie Nights wasn’t the last to arrive they were the only one out of contact since the early hours of Monday when the weather turned nasty.
There was still a little adventure to go even as we crossed the line, Jayne fired up the engine for the first time since Torquay 3.5 days before, it ran for just 2 minutes then cut out. [*1 - air lock. 50 litres is not enough it seems in a 140 litre tank. Next time there's big weather, make sure the tank is full]
So we sailed at 7 knots up the river with two reefs tucked in and the bombproof jib roughly set. Jayne fired off some help messages to the Race Organiser David Rayment who quickly came to our assistance. 
A rib came out of the darkness to meet and guide us into a temporary spot alongside two other boats in Kinsale Marina. 
The reception the Boogie Nights team received in Kinsale was absolutely top drawer. 

Drinks into the night in great company and nobody minded that the two unwashed ladies turned up after just a brief wet wipe down. [see Jaynes other blog about sailors and their wet wipes]

With such a short stopover there was little time for anything other than a quick trip to a chandlery to replace a lost winch handle, a rapid deep clean of all wet cupboards, receive a booby-prize for the most miles covered between Torquay and Kinsale (455 as it happens) and then hit the town for some traditional pub time. 

Sue had already crashed out, needing to recharge before the start of the next leg, but Jayne took one for the team and enjoyed some fabulous music in equally fabulous company (Katisha, Spruce Goose and Resolute)

live Irish music and an impromptu evening out in the town. 

Did I mention Barbie was still quiet?
She did a decent job up there on the bow granting us safe passage,  but arrived looking a little worse for wear. She's still not talking to us. At least she has all limbs still attached and managed to keep her shoes.   

How undignified. 

to be continued...

16 May 2016

Ever Decreasing Circles

JT: Lovely weekend for it  
Pogo lady: yes, lovely weekend.  
JT: are you going anywhere nice? 
Pogo Lady: I think we'll head over to the pub in Cowes, and you? 
JT: Oh we're going to head out of here, turn left then right a bit and just keep going until we get bored and come back again. See you at the bar on Sunday?

It's that time of year already when we have to knuckle down and do a few things to prepare for the first race of the year, actually my only planned race of the year (there will be more, I just don't plan far ahead normally)

Sue popped round to say hello and since the weather looked quite nice, we thought it a good time to nip out to get our qualifying passage done for the Yachting Monthly Triangle race. It's not particularly arduous at only 125 miles, but finding the time where we were both available and the weather was ok is the hard part.

Before we set off Sue made a rough passage plan and then suggested we use the log to...

no wait, Sue, the thing is, erm, my log, well, I haven't got one. Well, I have, but it's at Raymarine still. I forgot to get it back from them. Yeah I know, I took it there last October...

so we had to tot up the miles the modern old fashioned way using GPS lat and long, join the dots and measure it on a paper chart.

Sue, completely unfazed by my apparent lack of essential equipment didn't so much as bat an eye and just started a comprehensive hourly note taking and log book routine. 


And for once I was chef rather than heater-upper. Though, I'm no Steven Seagal...




bye bye Solent, we are finally out of it's clutches with a bit of help from the iron sail. 

must remember to replace that top batten...

sunrise amidst the shipping




chasing the wind meant we generally had a decent speed most of the time. But it did mean we went around in circles. 

the plant (on the left of shot in a cut off vittel bottle) I have fondly called Seymour is just a plant based creature that refuses to die. It came as part of a bunch of flowers a year ago and has continued to grow and sprout new growth in just a water container without soil. When faced with something so resilient, I can't help but admire it despite it's ungainly appearance. It's a fighter. I love a fighter. 


The dog assumes his primary position. On a bunk, near a cushion. His night shift involved cuddles for nearly 2 hours on, 2 hours off.  

if you look carefully, you'll see our meandering course. We had a lovely time with the shipping in the night. 


So, that's us done for the moment. we'll be back to talk proper nonsense in the near future. 























erm, wait a moment... A word from the figure head



whoa whoa whoa, not so fast there, I think you'll find I'm the spokesperson around here when there's the need for a third voice.

"I don't know what's going on here, but at no point above do I see any mention of being honked at by that massive ship leaving the Solent because dipstick one and dipstick two failed to make their intentions clear to the myopic watch of the bridge, like pointing me at the fort wasn't clear enough, or Sue having a minor moment of "ee bygum there's a lotta ships in the dark" and I've seen no mention of the chaos of re-entry to Portsmouth Harbour (3 ferries coming in, 1 ferry going out, two tugs escorting a ship in, a floating dredging raft blocking half the entrance and Jayne almost breaking a sweat)
No mention of Sue being passive aggressive to the little tupperware that completely pretended Boogie Nights wasn't there and no mention of the scrappy mooring offered by Jaynes cack-handed berthing skills.
but hey, I won't mention it if you don't ay ladies? You don't mind me calling you both dipsticks do you?  
Do you?  
Hey, where's my arrival beer?"





























02 May 2016

How to date: A Sailor's Essential Guide

It seems the world is lacking in advice for would-be potential suitors of sailors. 


It is something I feel aught to be made into a handy guide, rather like a first aid manual, for which I am recently re-ticketed after a refresher alongside my esteemed co-skipper Sue. When asked how best to deal with burns by the instructor, Sue offered: bagpipes and a haggis? 

We were given acronyms to help us remember essential things we shouldn't forget.
I've forgotten most of them now. But I will always remember my ABC, Airways Breathing Circulation. or Accelerator Brake Clutch.  or in the case of boat dating:

A - Awesome at all times. - the ability to act cool in all situations.
B - Barometer brain -  knowledge of when pressure is rising or falling.

C - Charm and comedy - the ability to laugh the isobar off a weather front. 
The single sailor's essential guide to dating



Do your ground work before considering the first reef point of dating:

There's three types of people in the world, those who go boating, those who go sailing and Those-who-don't.  It's important at this point that you know which one of those you are and which kind is the person on whom you intend to shine your head torch. (metaphorically)

The difference can be discerned simply by asking the following: "How often do you fill your fuel tank?"

Boater, "my MercruiserVolvoManCatterpillarYanmar is/are quite economical, I can cruise for miles before filling up, every time I go anywhere..."
Sailor, "surely that's excessive weight no? Cost me about £30 about a year ago."
Those-who-don't, "er... I go to Asda/Tesco/Morrison's/Sainsbury's once a week because it's on my way to work..."

Note that you won't get a straight answer from anyone, but you can figure it out like this:
a boater will avoid saying out loud how much fuel they need to put in their boat,
a sailor will make it very clear how little it cost and how long ago it was.
Those-who-don't will reference a Supermarket.
[There is a 4th type, they're called Sunsailers, if you accidentally meet one of those, run.
Run away. Do not go there. I repeat, do not go there.]

Now that you know what kind of person you're dealing with, the process of dating becomes simpler.

tips for first reef point:

It's important to understand the different techniques involved in the pickup and delivery of chat up lines. A boater needs converting and Those-who-don't need persuading (and quite possibly a safety briefing) A sailor needs little encouragement.


chat up line for a boater: 
Would you like to pop round mine to help me service my engine? I'll provide coffee and cake.
reasoning: boaters love their engines and they've often got a better quality oil suction pump, which is useful for servicing.

chat up line for a sailor: 
D'ya fancy going for a sail?
reasoning: nothing says, come on, than asking a fellow to partake in shared interests of rope fondling, casually discussing tidal flows and computational rates and tables. 

chat up line for Those-who-don't: 
Would you like to meet at Boathouse-Mcboaty Marina clubhouse for a drink?
reasoning: it's best to get social relations started away from the yacht initially. They need to see the shoreside human version before you morph into gibberish speaking rope tweaking sailor the moment you step onboard your beloved precious


acceptable attire and pre-date-prep for sailors on a first date with Boaters or Those-who-don't:

Do 
Wear your sunglasses on top of your head like a hair-band. It is definitely sexy. It doesn't matter if it's dark and/or raining.

ubiquitous glasses on head


Don't 
Wear foul weather gear. Even if you have stripped down to your salopette and vest. Yes I know, sailors amongst sailors, nothing says sexy like a salopette worn over long johns and a vest but this is a language your potential beau has yet to learn. Patience padawan.
Wear jeans and a smart top. Leave those sailing boots on the boat. Wear shoes. Unless you're wearing shorts, then wear boots. because sailing boots and shorts, yeah baby, you'll be irresistible and will look slightly like a pirate. Everyone loves a pirate. AmIright?



Do 
Have a shower. Whilst sailors amongst sailors love raw pheromone, this is something you will need to train your suitor in later.

Don't 
Use wet wipes instead of a proper shower. Save those for when you're in full action mode strutting your stuff several days at sea. For now, use water. From a shower head. (you were reaching for those wet wipes weren't you?)



Do 
Clear the dining table and galley of any paraphernalia not relevant for a potential evening ahead. Laptops, tools, excessive numbers of head torches, part-used tubes of sikoflex, steam cleaner fittings,  toilet servicing parts, tubes of water-resistant grease or winch lube, shackles, bits of rope and dirty socks all need to be stowed away out of sight. This will be especially important later, which I will cover a little further down.

Don't 
Forget to scrub the heads (toilet and shower room) within an inch of breaching the hull. It must be spotless.

Do 
Scrub the heads again for good measure. Poo-pipe stink paranoia is a real thing. Use air freshener and close the door/curtain.

Now you're all set, give yourself a wee check in the mirror, nobody will notice your white sunglasses induced tan panda eyes. You're looking hot to trot my friend.

you are the epitome of ABC

tips for second reef:


chat up line for a boater: 
Thanks for helping with the engine. I've got a bottle of wine in the cooler, would you like to come back for dinner/tea? (you can go up a level here by offering ice cream – this is high level luxury.)
reasoning: by demonstrating you have a cooler, you have shown that your yacht has a modicum of luxury and is worth further investigation beyond the engine hole. 

chat up line for a sailor: 
D'ya fancy dinner/tea while we sail?
reasoning: nothing says, come on, than a carefully prepared cornish pasty wrapped in kitchen paper. 

chat up line for Those-who-don't: 
I've got food onboard, would you like to pop back to mine for canapés and a little music, you like rum cocktails don't you?
reasoning: you need to keep up pretences that yachting is glamorous for as long as possible. The illusion will be shattered soon enough. (just got to get 'em onboard and ply them with dark 'n' stormy)


tips for a smooth transition into second reef evenings with Boaters or Those-who-don't:

Do 
Continue to wear your sunglasses on top of your head like a hair band. It is definitely still sexy. Even when you're cooking or serving canapés.

Don't 
Wear a head torch to see inside the cupboards, it will ruin the sunglasses-on-head effect, instead, hold the light in your hand like a torch, or better still, don't use a torch at all and give the impression of being a cupboard-ninja with the ability to find the right thing simply by echo location alone. [remember our acronym, A = Awesome at all times even if you put you hand on a sharp or hot object.]

Do 
Bend at the knees. not at the back when looking in those lower, floor level cupboards. This is not the time for a total eclipse of the moon. Save that for later.

don't forget the proximity of your guests. 

this is the polite way of being a cupboard-ninja


Don't 
Forget to explain how the toilet works and general boat-toilet etiquette if your date is one of Those-who-don't. It's best done earlier rather than later, but not the moment they climb through the companionway. Give them a chance to down that first drink. (handy hint: You can pre-prepare by having all seacocks open to save time and avoid terrible blow back consequences if they only open one.) Be aware that it can be confusing to explain that everyone must sit to use the toilet, but no-one should drop a bomb, we go to marina facilities for that sort of thing.

caution: If during some point of the evening you hear a higher level of toilet pump handle use than expected, it may mean the object of your affections has dropped a deuce and is struggling with the correct method. Do not, at any point laugh if they ask for a stick. Remember your ABC, you need to remain awesome at this point and turn the music up or offer assistance.



Do 
Use mood lighting, the red LED from your chart table is acceptable for this purpose. It will also save on battery power. Win win!
remember C- Charm? The dimmed lights will enable your beau to see past that salt blasted complexion and experience your charm and wit with fewer barriers. 

Don't 
Use real candles, see reasons here > Boat tips over, candle sets fire to clothes and here > boat fires
Nobody wants to be that person calling the emergency services.

Do 
Put some ambient music on, better still invite your guest to bring music. This will be especially important later when someone uses the toilet. [having an adequate stereo music provision should never be overlooked. Consider a modern car stereo with bluetooth, usb, auxiliary inputs and CD ability as a small investment in providing the sound track to your love and toilet life.] 

If your stereo currently resembles anything like this, you may need to consider an upgrade.

tips for third reef:

chat up line for a boater: 
Would you like to see my back cabin? (this isn't prison slang, yachts do often have back cabins)
reasoning: Nothing says, hello to a boater than being shown the back cabin. If the answer is yes, then give yourself a pat on the back. It looks like someone just pulled. 

chat up line for a sailor: 
Shall we anchor up for the night?
reasoning: nothing says, come on, more than dropping a hook and swinging about with the wind and tide in a sheltered bay, amongst a whole flotilla of others in what is the equivalent of a road side lay by, near some beach and nature reserve. Sundowners in the cockpit anyone? If the boat's rocking, don't come knocking. (or was that a  ferry?)

chat up line for Those-who-don't: 
Would you like to use my guest cabin? I have set the electric blanket to pre-heat the bed for you.
reasoning: Keeping up the appearances of sophistication is a must. You don't need to tell them that they will be jammed in with at least one spare sail, a couple of fenders, solar panels, dinghy paddles and spare life jackets. They will discover this soon enough when you use your own body as a barrier between them and your paraphernalia. Waking up with the mark of a photovoltaic grid pattern on your arse is a small price to pay. 

Do 
Turn off the electric blanket after 10 minutes. You don't want to overheat your guest too soon or ruin your expensive and strangely shaped foam mattress in a pool of sweat.

Don't 
Attempt to do any show-boating yet. This will result in separate cabin sleeping arrangements. We don't want that. The aim is to find an excuse to share the same cabin. If they are Those-who-don't then you are in luck. You can simply explain that it's normal that everyone shares a cabin for safety reasons. They won't know any different.

Do 
Leave a single night light on in the main cabin. Your guest may still be unfamiliar with the layout and struggle to find their way around in the dark if they need to use the heads.

Don't 
Forget safety precautions. Don't leave the electric blanket plug upturned or in a place where anyone, even your awesome-ninja-self might tread on it. Try not to utter: fuck, bugger or cunt if you do accidentally hurt yourself, remember your ABC, it's your job to be awesome.

Do 
Switch your mobile phone, AIS alarm, VHF distress alarm, anchor drag alarm, depth sounder alarm to silent or off. You don't want interruptions. If you happen to be at anchor, you might want to have a back up plan. You might leave your boots and safety pants in a rapidly accessible place, rather like a grab bag.

Don't 
Roll your eyes when the object of your affections comments when the boat rocks, saying "did we just rock the boat or was that a ferry?" or some other seemingly funny comment. They don't really understand that you've lived with this effect for years and don't even notice it anymore. Indulge them, it's still a novelty.

Did the earth move for you? No, but the wardrobe door came open.

Do 
Take note of their complexion. If they drain of colour at anytime or go clammy, this is a warning that you need to dispense either Kwells [motion sickness remedy] or Alkaseltzer [too much dark 'n' stormy remedy. 
remember your ABC, be awesome at all times and (barometer) detect pressure rise or fall, comedy and charm will enable continued fun times in the guest cabin. 

Don't 
Climb over your guests head, naked, when exiting the bed. [for the uninitiated, most yachts have beds with a tiny access by the head of the bed which means an ungraceful entrance and exit] Instead, playfully throw a pillow over their face to distract them as you make your exit to visit the heads, or fetch water etc. Try not to accidentally smother them as you slip and put additional unintended pressure on the pillow.

Now assuming all went well with reefs one, two and three, you might get adventurous with your now willing and able cabin mate.
---------------

Gull-winging:

Definition: to gull-wing is the act of a delicate balance, a little dance if you like, trying to simultaneously carry one sail in one direction and the other sail in the opposite direction. This is a precarious position to be in, but can be rewarding, and has been known for people to cross an ocean like this. It may require additional apparatus in order to keep the front sail up. You be the judge and tweak and adjust things as you go to get it just right. 

With headroom limited to that of a seated greyhound you will soon run out of options in a yacht cabin.  You'll need to get adventurous and consider anywhere that has full standing headroom.


Grey hounds seated. 


This is where you'll be glad you cleared that dining table...
(Beware, the dog will be watching you. Try not to feel judged.) 

table for two? Watch out for those fiddle rails. 

Happy sailing :-)

22 February 2016

Planet of the Crepes

Crepe expectations

The Crepe Escape...

You can't mistake the fact that as a displaced northerner, an immigrant of sorts, I bring with me certain levels of sophistication not fully appreciated in the south.

06 November 2015

Driving a wedgie between us

Life lessons hit us every day, some are greater than others

One of the conversations I had with Hazel last year when we were practicing for the Triangle Race was a discussion about underwear and what people wear for sailing. We discussed the need for bigger pants compared to day wear.

hands up all those whose growlers have accidentally eaten their knickers. 

25 October 2015

Neptune and his gift

King Neptune and his horses

It has to be said that sailing has its ups and downs. 

continued from blog post: Don't stop me now... and the slightly sweary addendum, a word of advice.  

Sometimes things happen in quick succession that takes us from the deepest low to the highest high.

19 October 2015

Don't stop me now...



From January to August 2015 I was working on a project, let's call it "Netty Betty" or perhaps more fittingly it should be called my "nête noire" 

It was a project of such magnitude that I cleared the dining table.

It's perfectly reasonable to practice the end of the project before it actually ends right?

14 September 2015

Release the hounds

Disco Barbie here, newest character aboard Boogie Nights reporting in for duty.




This is my first blog post so please forgive me if I ramble on a bit.

I'm expected to blog about boat life shenanigans when there's more than one person on board or when Jayne is feeling like talking in third person like a rock star.
I was brought on board in May. Though I wasn't immediately aware of my new elevated status in life when I arrived

25 April 2015

Champagne Sailing

I've been stuck inside working on a project, which means I have been viewing the world through a small vertical window. 

I play games, like spot the mast and guess the motorboat by the sights through my skyward facing hatch and the sounds that permeate through the water and reverberate inside Boogie Nights.

thus: I have become a dab hand at recognising boats by their masts, spreaders and the tone of their engine.


One set of spreaders looks like this:

pic courtesy, Paul Brant of http://ninjod.org/

03 April 2015

Size Matters

Size anxiety

It's a thing.

Big Daddy. As a kid in the 80's he was a BIG thing.

It's very easy to become obsessive about space saving, weight saving and generally keeping a small living space uncluttered. Especially if you are trying to keep that space as light as possible with a view to being competitive during the odd race offshore.
It's also easy to accumulate larger things because of the extra added value perceived to be given by buying in bulk.

"Part of this obsession manifests in size anxiety."

When the HP sauce ran low recently, a very well meaning friend popped out and bought a new bottle. The new bottle resembled a WW2 Sherman Tank


"Sherman Tank WW2". Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons

My natural reaction of holding out the offending bloated sized bottle enquiring "what is this?" sent the dog scurrying for his bed. He'd heard that disapproving phrase before when he'd left me a brown present in the doorway. Anyone would have thought my poor guest had done the same. I had to very carefully explain why the original sauce bottle was so small in the first place.

It was the kind of terse conversation that ends with "fine, I'll get another one then"



HP sauce. Massive bottle. They make a picnic sized one don't you know?
But it doesn't stop with sauce bottles.

Everything is carefully calculated to fit into a very particular space. Every nook and cranny of this Dehler 36 has a specific shape, perfectly suited for a tupperware or a space saving method of containment.

The cocktail cabinet, after its repeated public inspection, followed by gasps of "how much?" (and subsequent assisted lightening of its load at the end of the Triangle Race 2014), has been gradually replenished, but instead of glass bottles, now everything has a designated plastic bottle which has been carefully labelled. All new liquids are decanted on arrival. (weight saving: 15kg of glass)

Each cupboard has been methodically inspected and contents removed on a twice yearly basis. The contents are inspected, audited, reinstalled or removed. 

Over the years I have collected a few DVDs and CDs. The CD's have been removed from their plastic boxes, copied to MP3 on a memory stick and then the originals stashed away in a wallet in the "shed". The DVDs haven't been copied to a hard drive but they are kept neatly and space savingly in a wallet.
No plastic cases remain. Because they're massive and pointlessly use up space.

When a friend hopped onboard with a collection of 10 DVDs, pristine and still in their original cases, my first thought was, where the f'ck do you think you're putting them?  Don't you realise you're displacing air with that lot? 

Air displacement


I've started choosing who I invite onboard because they are slightly smaller.

It's not just friends that trigger my size anxiety by bringing oversized things onboard, I do it to myself too. Constantly making lists of clothes, how big they are, what they weigh.

Is there an optimum amount of pants and socks?
This list states the ideal numbers of clothes. 7 t-shirts. 5 shirts. 5 pairs of trousers. 3 pairs of shorts and so on.
The ideal number is always one or two less than what I have in reality. Making me look again at what I actually have and do I really really need it?
For the love of my fucking sanity, have you seen the size of the plastic packaging around those samosas? 
Sorry to all visitors, both current and future, in advance for all the times I will be utterly inconsolable about oversized packaging, large bags, dvd cases, sauce bottles or anything at all remotely larger than expected.

space invaders. small entertainment


confessional

things I have obsessed over recently:

cooking oil: a regular 1ltr bottle of cooking oil. It fits NOWHERE but the fridge. It took 1.5 years to get through the last 1ltr bottle, which had been slowly decanted into a smaller 30ml bottle that fits in the cupboard easily. The day I finally finished that vat of oil I celebrated. The following day, a well meaning friend bought ANOTHER 1ltr bottle. I now have a 1ltr bottle in the fridge again.

Plain flour: I have a clear plastic tub that will take 500g bags of flour no problem. Whatever you do, don't bring a 1.5kg bag of flour onboard, no matter how good value it is. It doesn't fit. Oh what's that? They only sold 1.5kg bags of flour. Oh. bugger. We'll be eating pancakes then.

croissant packaging: Why do they package 4 croissants in a gift box the size of an articulated truck?

Indian snacks: those massive plastic cases that samosas and onion baajis come in from the fresh counter at the supermarket? No, please no. 
They serve no purpose other than to perform badly at protecting their contents and then are placed immediately in the bin as the snacks are repackaged immediately in order to fit in the boat fridge.

The size of the new cordless drill case. Massive. There's enough space in that thing for two drills. and chargers. I've only got one. I feel cheated.

The pan handles. Someone make pans without handles please. Oh what's that? Tefal make some? Right, I'm having a look at that. (edit 2017: I got pans without handles, they're utterly fabulous)

Motorbike kit: it does not belong on a boat. Why have I got my motorbike kit on the boat? Why? What appears reasonably sized when worn takes on a different dimension when brought inside a boat. Suddenly the air is displaced by a mass of armour and creaking leather. I. Can't. Breath.

DVD cases: See above

Brown sauce bottles: See above

Upon hearing someone would like to invite a friend to visit: er, how big are they?

















28 February 2015

Let the dog see the rabbit


 Rabbits? Did someone say rabbits?



The marina is slowly waking up again and those boats that have lain patiently, empty and cold all winter are starting to see the return of their owners and masters. 


04 December 2014

An open letter to Mattel: Paws for thought.

 

massive feet

 

Dear Mattel, 


You may recall me from our brief correspondence during the summer, when I wrote to your fine company, requesting assistance to address an issue I had with my Beach Barbie. You may also recall she lost her shell themed headware after an encounter with a particularly aggressive French wave during her intrepid duty as figure head on a yacht taking part in an offshore race.

Well, after that brief discussion where you failed to display any sense of humour, ability or desire to assist me with Barbie sized headware. I solved that issue myself, thankfully, and she now sports a rather hefty but entirely practical crown of cable ties.
However, I was thankful for your speedy, though ineffectual response, so I thought I might try again.

Now, I am writing to you this time not to ask for help with headware but to clarify an issue I have with Beach Barbie's leg ends. 

18 November 2014

What would Thora do?

Imagine you've had a really stressful week.  (we all do at some point, that's normal)


You've worked almost round the clock for several days. The sun has been shining and you've just had to work part of your weekend as well.

There's more work still to be done with planning and reading for 9am on Monday. 

Right now, it's 5pm on Saturday. You've just arrived home. Hungry. Carrying an unexpected surprise bunch of lovely flowers which had been delivered to the marina office.
You live on a boat.

Boats don't generally have vases.

What do you do?
What would Thora Hird do?

Ask Thora for advice.


16 October 2014

the F word

Flags.

signal flags, looks like someones phone number


Those flapping appendages so loved by the maritime community can be confusing at first and can continue to be confusing even when we've been "at it" for years.

So I have devised this serious guide to understanding what flags mean and when they should be flown and how to comport oneself in civilised company.For those unaquainted with sarcasm and wit, please apply your sarcasm and wit cream now. For thou shalt need lubricating to read this.

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