Boogie Nights

A sweary hyperactive maritime professional, really very keen on laughing a lot, doing their best to avoid all the trappings of societies' expectations by acting on impulse to any adventurous idea that wafts by. Let's go!

bienvenu, hola, ciao!

04 December 2014

An open letter to Mattel: Paws for thought.


massive feet


Dear Mattel, 

You may recall me from our brief correspondence during the summer, when I wrote to your fine company, requesting assistance to address an issue I had with my Beach Barbie. You may also recall she lost her shell themed headware after an encounter with a particularly aggressive French wave during her intrepid duty as figure head on a yacht taking part in an offshore race.

Well, after that brief discussion where you failed to display any sense of humour, ability or desire to assist me with Barbie sized headware. I solved that issue myself, thankfully, and she now sports a rather hefty but entirely practical crown of cable ties.
However, I was thankful for your speedy, though ineffectual response, so I thought I might try again.

Now, I am writing to you this time not to ask for help with headware but to clarify an issue I have with Beach Barbie's leg ends. 

You see, there was a minor incident whereby my beloved figure head was forced to act as a buffer, or rather more accurately, she put the "head" into her title of figure head.
The incident involved a 36 foot yacht, a very large pontoon bollard and Barbies head.
She took it remarkably well as it happens, very little was said of the incident. But I was left feeling rather guilty and decided to buy her a new outfit as recompense for her new and unexpected complexion.

I went to one of the finest local pedlaries of Barbie paraphernalia and perused the offerings on display.
I opted for an outfit befitting the coming festive season, but also, as is often a ladies desire, I bought several pairs of footware and accessories to accompany the new party frock (which is considerably more party like than her scant summer bikini she wore for the race).

I returned home and with impatient excitement, I cut her cable tie and brought her indoors to be properly en-robed before returning her with a brand new cable tie to her favourite place as figure head up at the pointy end.
However my excitement was cut terribly short. Disappointment washed over me as I attempted to encase her legs in some fetching knee high boots, which I had considered rather pirate like and entirely in keeping with the nautical theme, whilst being seasonal all at the same time.

It would appear that Beach Barbie has incredibly large plates of meat.
Not one pair of fashions finest high heels would fit my dearest yachting companion and I felt cheated. How could this be?
Are not all Barbies of a similar gene pool? How did Beach Barbie end up with the hooves of an ugly sister, instead of Cindarella petite pins?
Pirate boots befitting a Barbie figure head - but alas not for Beach Barbie

I  considered the option of the ancient Asian binding technique to reduce her gargantuan sized trotters, but given her indestructible plastic exoskeleton, this option was quickly precluded. I considered trimming with a hacksaw, but, I felt this unsavoury as a solution and my third option of visiting a fetish store, purely for beefcake sized patent pointy perches was equally as unpalatable.
I have a distinct unease with the feeling that Beach Barbie would be treated differently, simply because of the size of her gross pieds.

Eventually I struck upon the least offensive option of making her carry some strappy little numbers.
However, this has left her looking like she is doing "the walk of shame" after a heavy night out on the lash.

Could you advise me please, is there an option available for the Barbie requiring a "wider fitment"?

Kind regards


c/o Sailing Yacht Boogie Nights
Walk of Shame Barbie

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